Four Down, Eight Letters
by TheMoonIsLowTonight-funkyfish
Summary: Who'd have thought that a crossword could spark the foundations of a romance? Remus/Tonks are building their relationship, but it isn't easy. Follow their story as it grows, through pain, tears, love and joy, and blossoms into something beautiful.
1. Chapter 1

**Remus/Tonks 1shot: four down, eight letters.**

**This is short idea that popped into my head and wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it down, because Tonks and Remus should have been together from the beginning, but of course we all love Remus the noble prat, despite him being, well, a noble prat. :D Enjoy, I know I will.**

A delightfully warm and pleasant smell filled the kitchen of Grimmauld Place as Molly Weasley finished baking yet another Christmas cake. "Would you like a piece, Tonks?"

Tonks didn't look up from the particularly interesting patch of table in front of her, and her fingers stayed clasped around her mug, completely unaware that she was being addressed.

"Tonks?" Molly said quietly, nudging her hand, but not entirely sure if she should proceed. Tonks glanced up from her the table, her mousy brown fringe falling limply in front of her eyes as she jerked back out from her daydream.

"Hmm?"

"Are you alright, dear? You've been looking down for weeks, but your hair—"

"I'm fine, Molly, thank you." Her tone was short and curt, intended to abruptly end the conversation, but Molly was determined to get her point across, and she was nothing if not persistent.

"Tonks." Her own tone changed, hardened, but still remained to show the concern that she felt. Again, Tonks glanced up, but her face stayed emotionless, no doubt intending to give nothing away, but her failed attempt at nonchalance told Molly everything she needed to know. She'd seen that face before. She'd _had _that face before, she knew it all too well, from her days of trying to convince Arthur that she didn't care if she had to live in conditions all too close to poverty for the rest of her live, because she loved him regardless. She knew that this was exactly what Tonks was going through right now; she'd learnt to recognise the exasperated sighs when they were coming from herself, so that she could teach herself to mask them.

More to the point, she'd seen the looks between Tonks and Remus: it had started off as simple smiles when the first became acquainted, and in no time at all they turned into shy grins, and eventually obvious flirting glances and the responding blushes on them both every time their eyes met. It was blatantly obvious to Molly at least, and certainly Sirius too, with whom Molly had brought up her suspicions that Tonks harboured great feelings for the kind werewolf, and that he returned the feelings with only great shyness and fear of rejection stopping either of them from confessing how they felt to the other.

"Tonks," she repeated with a sigh, "I know what you're going through."

This grasped Tonks' attention immediately. "What are you talking about? Going through? I'm not going through anything, I'm fine." Her words were spoken far too fast to be convincing, but she kept up her weak pretence of being 'fine'.

"I think we both know that you're anything but fine, dear. You've been pining after Remus for months, we all can see how much you—"

"All of you? Does Remus…?"

"Oh, Merlin, no, the poor soul doesn't have a clue. Sirius has been talking to him; he doesn't seem to understand that you like him too."

Tonks let out a sigh of relief, then rethought the last part of Molly's sentence. "What do you mean, I like him _too_? Molly, he doesn't—"

"Or so he would have you believe."

"Molly! Please don't do this; I don't think I could stand it, don't give me false hope, not if I'm just going to get shot down. Please."

Molly placed the cake tin she was holding down on the table, and came to sit down next to the woman who since entering her life, had fast become as close to her as if she had acquired another daughter.

"Listen, do you think I would bring this up if I didn't think that Remus at least felt remotely similar for you as you do for him?" Tonks didn't reply, she just started at her until she continued. "It's clear to me that he does, dear. I can see it in him just as clearly as I can see it in your hair." She placed a few stray strands of hair back behind Tonks' ears to back up her point. "Nothing affects a person more than love, Tonks, and nothing affects your hair other than you and the people you love, so as much as you deny it, I know that you are falling for him, and it's becoming clearer and clearer every time I see you together, that the man is falling for you too."

**~o~O~o~**

"Cheer up, mate," Sirius said jauntily, slapping Remus on the back as he moved to sit next to him at the kitchen table. "I still don't get why you're moping around all the time, not when you've got a girl to be chasing after."

Remus drained the last of his glass of firewhisky and without pause proceeded to pour himself another glass.

"I am _not _moping around. I'm merely taking my time thinking about the bad aspects of my life. And I certainly do not have a girl to be chasing after, so I don't have the foggiest idea where you got that one from. Pulled a few Christmas crackers early, have you? Found a few jokes?"

"Merlin, aren't you Mr Optimistic?"

Remus turned his head just far enough to give his best friend a '_why-are-you-still-here' _glare, before snapping his gaze back to the bottom of his glass, staring through the deep amber liquid.

"Is this about Tonks?"

"Is _what_ about Tonks?" Remus' words shot back faster than a golden snitch could have passed between them.

"Steady on, Moony, it was just a question. Which, by the way, you have just pretty much answered for me."

"I have?" His tone wasn't surprised or intrigued as Sirius expected, knowing him as well as he did. However he was quite the opposite: Remus sounded, for loss of a better word, dead. It was as if he'd lost all meaning. He'd been like that for a while, Sirius thought; it was getting worse. It had become a permanent feature on Sirius' list of things that would go on Remus' Chocolate Frog card: Werewolf, kind of shabby looking, excellent chess player, all round know-it-all, Marauder and a voice that at its most enthusiastic harbours as much enthusiasm as a flobberworm.

_Except when Tonks is around._

"Look, Moony, you're starting to sound like a teenager who's just been dumped. Actually you sound like _you _as a teenager after you'd been dumped. Believe me; I've seen that a few times. Remember when Gwen Rodgers in fifth year?"

Remus managed to emit a strange, faint snort of laughter. "Gwen Rodgers did not dump me, we… drifted apart. Rather abruptly, I'll admit." Sirius laughed loudly, but said no more. As soon as the words had passed his mouth, the cape of darkness, of sadness swept over him and he returned to being cold and moody. "I don't plan on being dumped any time soon, either. Not at any point ever in the future because I will never be in another relationship."

"Ahh and so the hammer hits the nail on the head. So that's it."

"That's what?"

"That's why you're being such a selfish, stubborn git."

"Selfish? Stubborn git I could accept with a grudge but selfish? Really?"

"Yes, Moony, selfish. You're thinking too much about '_Oh, I've fallen in love, oh it's terrible, I must avoid her or I'll end up ripping her to shreds and I'll never be able to live with the guilt' _when really what you should be thinking is '_Oh, I've fallen in love, isn't that excellent, I'm going to have to tell her in a really romantic way!' _I mean, you get that, right?"

Remus started down at the table and gritted his teeth, as he stated defiantly; "I am _not _in love."

"C'mon, Remus, surely you're not _that _blind? I mean I know you're getting on a bit, but—"

"I'm younger than you."

Sirius shrugged. "Well, maybe chronologically, but in terms of mind…"

Again, Remus gave a snort of laughter. "That's a big word for such a small mind, Padfoot. And there was me thinking that your vocabulary extended only to words with less than three syllables."

A sharp smack met the back of Remus' head, causing to laugh more, which Sirius gladly joined in with, happy to hear his friend making some progress on the depression thing. It was a hearty sound, one which they had both missed, without even noticing its absence.

After the laughter had died down, Sirius sighed, bringing the mood of the room crashing back down to 'mildly depressing'.

"See, you're still in there. You've not been kissed by a dementor after all." It was meant as a joke, but Remus didn't take it as such. He didn't acknowledge the words at all, really, just kept on staring off into space.

"Moony, look at me."

Reluctantly he obliged, tearing his hollow eyes away from nothing in particular to stare into those of his longest surviving friend, eyes which for twelve years he had thought to be the eyes of a murderer, eyes which had seen the end of lives, and consequently seen twelve years of nothing but the same stone walls and soulless creatures floating about, torturing him for seeing a crime, but not committing it. _If anyone should be moping around, it should be Sirius, _he realised suddenly. _He's the one who's been locked up in Azkaban, he's the one who's on the run from the rest of the world, he's the one —_ Remus stopped his thoughts in an instant as the biggest realisation hit him like a Whomping Willow attack. _He's the one who survived it all, put on a brave face and shows the joy that he's feeling because he's lucky to have his soul. He's lost twelve years of his life, and he is far from a free man, but he has his soul. He's the one who is sat with me now trying to convince me that I need to cheer up._

He wanted to slam his head against the table in front of him, as guilt hit him heavily in the chest. Sirius was right; he _was _a selfish, stubborn git.

"Listen, you furry prat, when was the last time you felt completely at ease and happy, a moment you wished could have lasted for all of eternity?"

He didn't even need to think about it for the image to form in his head; it had only been less than a week ago, the day after the full moon, he'd come down from his room after 15 hours of ruptured sleep, still insanely tired and looking for a mug of hot cocoa, but instead he found Tonks alone in the kitchen, almost asleep over the _Daily Prophet._

"What are you doing up?" He'd asked, unable to hide the surprised glee in his voice.

"M'doing the crossword," she'd mumbled, cracking her eyelids open just far enough to see who she was talking to.

"Yes, it looks like it. Is it printed on the inside of your eyelids? Because if it isn't, I can see why you might be having trouble."

"Naahh… M'stuck on four down, eight letters. I know what it is, but it doesn't want to be seen."

"What's the clue?"

"I dunno..." she mumbled. Her eyelids had drooped throughout their brief conversation, and were now fully closed, although she carried on mumbling to her crossword buddy. "What y'doin?"

"I'm making some cocoa, would you like some? It'll help you sleep, not that you seem to have that problem." He chuckled softly, as he glanced at her again, ans saw that she had fallen asleep by now, as her head rested uncomfortably against the paper, and her breathing slowed and deepened. She looked so peaceful. _Beautiful._

Remus had shaken the thought from his head quickly, and proceeded to walk around to her side of the table. He took one of her hands in his and squeezed it to see how deeply asleep she was, and couldn't help but notice the way she subconsciously squeezed his hand in return and smiled. Other than this, he received no response, and stepped back, faced with a dilemma. He knew that he couldn't just leave her there; she'd wake up with cramps and the like, and it was highly likely that she wouldn't make it through the night without falling off her chair.

On a snap decision, thinking that it was the gentlemanly thing to do, he bent over her, placing one arm under her knees and one over her shoulders, and as gentle as he could, lifted her up into his arms. He could have quite easily have used magic, he probably wouldn't have tired himself out quite as much or ran the risk of putting his back out while his muscles were still weak from the last full moon, but besides it seeming more caring, he couldn't deny that he liked the feeling of her body pressed against hers, and the happiness he felt as she turned slightly in his arms to wrap her arms loosely around his neck and bury her face in his jumper was unmistakable. Eventually, despite all of the distractions that Tonks held for him, he managed to get her up the stairs and onto her bed. He almost regretted putting her down, but downstairs was the call of hot cocoa, so could return to the sweet bliss of sleep, and a secret dream world where he was brave enough to confess his love to Tonks.

Tonks, the beautiful woman who he was undoubtedly falling in love with, and he could never be with because he would never damn her to a life with a social reject when she could have so much better. She was guaranteed a far more appropriate lifestyle if he stayed away from her. While she was asleep, he did however permit himself to tuck her covers around her, and brush a strand of hair from her temple, and he left a kiss there so light his lips had barely brushed her skin, but that was enough. He'd kissed Tonks. She'd been unconscious, which bordered on breaching his morals, but he didn't plan on making a habit out of it, and if he couldn't love her with her knowing, loving her from a distance would have to suffice.

"I love you," he'd whispered, almost inaudibly. "I love you. I love you and I'm too dangerous and cowardly to admit it to you in your conscious self."

With that he left the room, turning off the lamp in the corner with a wave of his hand and a thought incantation. He closed her door as softly as he could, then stopped immediately, suddenly very aware of Kreacher around the corner, muttering quietly to himself.

"Filthy blood traitor," he was saying. "Mud-blood father, traitor mother, and waiting up for a half-breed. Messed up witch, mistress would not want her in the house, must get rid of her, must get rid of her…" he continued to ramble on about the wrong doings of the 'disgraces' in the house, but one phrase in particular stuck out in Remus' mind. _Waiting up for the half-breed._

_Had Tonks been waiting up for him? _As stupid as it seemed, he couldn't help but hope, even if he forbid himself to question her the next day. He changed the subject instead, focusing instead on getting past Kreacher and Sirius' mother, focusing on taking each step slowly to be as quiet as possible on his retreat back to the kitchen.

As he reached into an overhead cupboard for a mug, the newspaper on the table caught his eye, and he reached over to pick it up, curious as to how much of the crossword Tonks had completed. Most of the clues had lines struck through them, and the majority of the tiny boxes had been filled in, but one clue stood out against the others.

_Down  
>4. Lycanthrope, a feared and dangerous creature. (8)<em>

What made it stand out was it was the only one circled, with a tiny heart against the number, charmed to increase and decrease in size, as if it was beating, singling it out from the rest.

Remus smiled. This was his happy moment. The moment he realised that maybe there was a chance, albeit an infinitely small chance, that he and Tonks could be together.

"What was your moment?" Sirius asked quietly.

"It doesn't matter," he replied softly, trying his best to hide the tiny sad smile playing on his lips.

"Yes it does."

"Look, it doesn't, alright? I see your point."

"Fine," he sighed, running a hand along the stubble on his chin. "Just answer me this: was that memory about Tonks?"

There was silence. Remus did not want to reply, it would mean that once again Sirius had won an argument, and that had been happening far too often lately. He could lie, of course, but somehow it didn't seem right, not when he knew that he had his best interests at heart, deep, deep down. "You know what the answer is, Sirius, there's no need to be so stubborn."

"Mate, if you love her, you should tell her—"

"No. She can't ever know."

"And why not, Remus? Because you're so damn stubborn? Because you don't believe that there's a chance that she loves you even though you know as well as I do that she does, but you refuse to see it because you're a stubborn git?" Their eyes met and neither of them blinked. "You're an idiot, Remus. You're one of the smartest, most kind hearted guys out there; you and Tonks are perfect for each other and you know it, but when it comes to your love life, you're nothing short of the village idiot. You're never going to know what love feels like if you don't give this a go. You only get one shot at life so you'd better make the best of the opportunities you get. I could list off proverbs until the cows come home, but I don't think it's necessary because you know I'm right, even if you won't allow yourself to see it. Tonks loves you for who you are. you need to open your eyes and stop being such a noble prat."

Sirius stood up, allowed his hand to rest on his friend's shoulder for a second, and calmly walked up to his room, leaving Remus alone with his thoughts.

**~o~O~o~**

The kitchen was empty when Remus entered it the next morning. Not that he'd expected any different; he could hear Sirius' snores as he passed his room, but he'd grown accustomed having Tonks around. She hadn't been to Grimmauld Place for a few days, having been overrun with missions both from the Ministry and from the Order. This had become a regular occurrence now; whenever the full moon had been around, Tonks would take Remus' shifts with the Order for a few days so he could rest. It meant that she got very little sleep, but each time he brought it up to protest, she insisted that she was fine and changed the subject.

Making himself a cup of tea, Remus became lost in the ritual, allowing his thoughts to drift elsewhere. He wondered what she might be doing now. Sleeping seemed the most likely, it was still fairly early on a Sunday morning, a day where most people had the day off, and lie-ins were few and far between nowadays—

"Wotcher, Remus."

He nearly dropped the sugar bowl. Tonks stood in the doorway, trying to hold in her laughter at his shocked and dishevelled appearance so early in the morning. He was quick to recover though, regaining his posture as fast as possible and smiling at her.

"Sorry, I didn't hear you come in. Tea?"

She smiled back, taking her usual seat at the table. "Please."

He poured another mug full of the steaming liquid, added a drop of milk and two spoons of sugar to both, and placed them both on the table, sliding one across to Tonks, much to her satisfaction.

"What are you doing up so early?" he asked, taking a seat opposite her. "It's your day off, isn't it?"

Tonks nodded. "Mad-Eye wants me to check something out up north, possible Death-Eater gathering, nothing too flashy. All I'll be doing is sitting on a hill, watching a building for a few hours, but he's insisting on giving me a preparation talk. Honestly, I've been doing this kind of thing for ages, it's my job, and I know what I'm doing. I'm not entirely happy about the sitting on a hill alone all day part, but it doesn't really matter."

He didn't really think about it before the words were out of his mouth. "I'll go with you," he offered. "Or for you, you could probably use a rest. I never asked you to take all of my shifts, you know, they could have waited."

Tonks shook her head. "It's no trouble; at least you're not overly busy now. Although I would appreciate some company today, if you don't mind?"

He grinned. "Happily. I'll even pack us a lunch."

Grinning back, they fell into a light conversation, about nothing that really mattered, until the sound of footsteps on the stairs echoed down the hall.

A loud yawn sounded just outside the closed kitchen door, to which Remus chuckled. "Morning, Sirius," he called out. Something banged against the door, followed by a faint cry of pain. The door swung open a few seconds later, allowing a sleepy Sirius to enter and slump into a seat at the table.

"The door is too solid," he mumbled. "Should put a cushioning charm on it, s'dangerous this early in the morning."

Tonks rolled her eyes, holding back her laughter, but Remus made no such effort, laughing openly at his friend's expense. "Or maybe you could learn to not walk and yawn."

"It wasn't the yawning that did it," he retaliated. "It was you, took me by surprise is all."

"Of course, Sirius, of course. And I suppose in fourth year, when you tripped over your robes coming down from the dormitory, the stairs took you by surprise, did they? It had nothing to do with the fact that you're impossibly uncoordinated in the morning."

"Oh, because you were perfectly agile whenever profes—"

Remus was quick to cast a silencing charm on Sirius before he could finish his sentence. Knowing him like he did, which was all too well, it was sure to result in the disclosing of one of Remus' secrets that he confined only to his very closest friends, and not even purposely. The fault lay solely with a night of playing truth or dare, and a bottle of firewhisky.

"Thank you very much, Sirius, I think you've said quite enough." He smiled falsely, blushing with embarrassment.

"Wait, I want to hear this." Tonks cast the counter spell, relieving Sirius of his forced silence. "Were you going to say 'professor'?"

Padfoot grinned evilly at Remus, then turned to Tonks. "Shortly after Christmas in his third year, Remus discovered something…"

"Sirius, please don't…"

"He discovered that he had, to put it lightly, affectionate feelings for a certain professor."

"Please don't."

"Who?"

"Professor M—"

With a flick of his wand, Remus had cast yet another silencing charm, and tight bonds appeared around Sirius' wrists and ankles. "Not today, Sirius, we have a mission to get to."

"No we don't, we've got plenty of time," Tonks insisted, still grinning at Sirius' sudden look of helplessness.

"Nope, we have to go."

"We do?"

"Yes." He wasn't exactly being defiant, more pleading than anything else. "I'll make us some sandwiches, and please don't break the charm." He winked. "We could just leave him like that, or perhaps have a little fun with him while he's immobilised."

Tonks hummed in agreement. _She looks so cute when she's thinking…_

While he prepared a lunch for them both, and a sandwich for Sirius, he could hear Tonks muttering incantations under her breath, a few spontaneous cracks, and one or two bright flashes which caught his attention from the corners of his eyes, but he didn't see what the effects were until he turned around and placed a sandwich just out of Sirius' reach. He let out an open laugh, because he just couldn't help it. In all the years that he had known him, Sirius had always been the trickster, never the subject, always with the upper hand. But he'd never seen him looking so… helpless, desperate, and with such a great loss of pride.

He had good reason to, with the special features Tonks had conjured for him. She looked rather proud of herself, stood by her masterpiece, smirk in place, very fitting with her spiky bubble-gum pink hair which just screamed _mischief._

"Excellent," Remus grinned, taking that metal tag from the dog collar into his hand. It read '_My name is Snuffles, I am incredibly irritating so you probably don't want me' _in Tonks' neat handwriting. The collar she had conjured was black leather, very good quality with metal studs, giving it a slightly gothic appearance. There was also a pair of felt ears on his head, like the sort you would get in a child's Halloween costume, but Remus almost didn't notice them; they looked so natural there, but he couldn't decide if that was a positive or negative factor. "I suppose it would be insensitive to ask you what you think, Sirius?" His remark earned a giggle from Tonks, and a death glare from Sirius. "Sorry, but you know it's only fair."

With that, he left the kitchen, tucking the two remaining sandwiches into the pockets of his overcoat, and summoned two bottles of butterbeer from a cupboard in the corner. Tonks followed him down the corridor, but stopped him before he could open the front door, grabbing his arm in such a way that made his skin tingle and his heart jump. "Are you just going to leave him there like that?"

"Of course not," he grinned, composing himself. With a wave of his wand, they heard Sirius muttering about idiots for friends, and then with another flick, the chair scrape back along the slate floor of the kitchen. "Run."

Reflexively, he grabbed her hand, wrenching the door open and pulling her through onto the top step. "Where are we going?" he asked, still not letting go of her hand.

"Anywhere!" she giggled.

**Ok, so it wasn't supposed to end there. Definitely not. However, I was afraid that if I didn't end it here, I never would. Personally I think that four and a half thousand words are sufficient enough for a single chapter. I may extend on this, but y'know, it doesn't really matter. Tell me what you think please, constructive criticism welcome as always. ;) xxx**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hallelujah, it's the second chapter. This doesn't lead on directly from the last one, in fact there's a bit of a time jump. It's nothing too huge, but it is our favourite professor's birthday today, and so in celebration, I'm posting this. **

**Word count: 5000+**

**Disclaimer: I still don't own this magical world.**

* * *

><p>Remus closed the door to number 12 Grimmauld place quietly, hanging his coat on the wall opposite the curtained painting of Walburga Black. He crept down the hallway until he neared the kitchen, at which point he sped up and began to think about what he may have missed of the Order meeting. He didn't bother knocking on the closed door - the only people who attended Sunday Order meetings at this time of year were Mad-Eye, Sirius, Tonks, Remus, and on this occasion, Molly and Arthur.<p>

"Wotcher, Remus." Tonks was the first to greet him, cutting Mad-Eye off mid-sentence. Remus smiled apologetically and took his seat between Tonks and Sirius.

"As I was saying," Moody growled, "it's the same schedule as last week because Mundungus is still on the run after the biting doorknob incident. Remus, it has been brought to my attention that it's your birthday on Tuesday. I'm sorry but Tuesday is still your shift night." Remus gave a short nod of acceptance. "I think that'll be all," Moody continued. "Tonks, Sirius, would you catch Remus up on what he's missed, and I'll be on my way. Goodnight."

With that he scraped his chair back and stood off, and had disappeared down the hallway and out the door before anyone could even call after him.

"What was his problem?" Tonks smirked at her mentor's expense.

"He has guard duty, dear. How's your mother, Remus?" asked Molly, standing up to prepare their meal. "Still well, I hope?"

"Oh, she's fine, but she's had to retire her owl. He was losing his feathers, and he'd lost so much weight. She bought him the year I started Hogwarts."

"Blimey," Arthur said in awe. "And that was, what, 20 years ago?"

"Roughly, yes. A little more, possibly, I never counted. And he wasn't new when we got him; even then he was about three or four."

"You must have taken bloody good care of him."

He nodded. "He was like a second son to mum. Of course he never got ill, not once. He spent rather a lot of time in the wild, he just came back in the day time."

"Well, Errol is getting on a bit now," Molly sighed. "We may have to say goodbye to him soon."

"He's still doing his job, Molly. He's never lost a letter, not that we know of, it's just his landings that he has a spot of bother with."

By this stage Molly was dishing out three bowls of hot soup.

"Yes, well, we'd best be off now, anyway. Enjoy your soup, I can always bring some more if you want?"

Sirius smiled at her. "You spoil us, Molly. But no, thank you, this should do for us."

"Righto, dear. Well, we'll see you all later, then."

As she and Arthur walked to the door to disapparate, Remus followed them.

"Ah, I don't mean to be rude, but I was wondering, might I borrow Errol for a night, please?"

Molly paused in putting on her cloak to look quizzically at Remus.

"Errol, dear? Of course you can, I'll send him over as soon as we get home. Not a problem." She gave him her best mothering smile, and soon disappeared through the doorway, shortly followed by a nodding Arthur.

Remus retreated back to the kitchen, where Tonks sat, mug of tea in one hand, a copy of _Which Broomstick_ in the other, and her steaming bowl of soup sat on the table in front of her.

"Getting a new broomstick, Tonks?" Remus inquired, applying himself to the chair next to hers.

Without looking up from her magazine, Tonks replied. "Getting a new owl, Remus?"

"Touché. And yes, I think I may have to dip into my savings for once. I'm starting to need one more that I'd thought I would." He picked up an old copy of the Daily Prophet. "So, you're getting a new broomstick?"

"Yeah," Tonks sighed. "It really kind of irritated me that Harry had a really good broom, when I'm stuck on my old Comet. I mean I don't begrudge him it, but c'mon, I should at least have a half decent broom."

"Did you play Quidditch well in school?"

"I was a Beater from fourth year to seventh. I got knocked off my broom on my last match, I woke up a week and a half later. We'd won, anyway."

Remus laughed. "I wasn't bad myself, you know."

"Really? You don't seem like the Quidditch type."

"That," he grinned, "is because I wasn't bad, I was terrible." Tonks laughed openly at him. "I really was. Flying normally, I was pretty good, but tell me to hover or make a circle and I'd be on the floor in seconds. Straight lines. That is my forte."

"Maybe I should give you lessons."

"Maybe I'll accept your offer gladly."

They smiled at each other, each trying to hide their embarrassment.

He brought his own mug of tea to his lips, savouring the warm liquid. He'd been living off others for far too long, and he felt satisfied to say that he'd bought these teabags himself. Although saying that, he was rather looking forward to Molly's soup, when it'd cooled.

Tonks was thinking. She already needed to go to Diagon Alley tomorrow. An owl cost roughly 30 Galleons. Remus needed an owl. She hadn't bought Remus a birthday present yet. She hardly spent any money at all, ever, and she was already planning on buying a Broomstick. Surely 30 Galleons wouldn't go amiss from her Gringots account?

* * *

><p>Sirius had given her the key to his Gringots Bank vault, and told Tonks exactly how much to take out. She was on a mission: Operation Remus' Birthday Presents. She had a list, and Tonks could feel the difference in the weight of her pockets as she descended the stairs from Gringots, back onto the steers of Diagon Alley. She knew where her first stop was going to be; Quality Quidditch Supplies.<p>

After weeks of debating the type of broom she should get, and a little helpful input from Sirius, she'd finally decided. Well, almost. It was between the Cleansweep 11 and the Nimbus 2001. Nimbus brooms were known to be far better than the cleansweeps, but of course it came at a price. She'd taken out just enough money to buy the Nimbus, with a little left over, but if she bought it, she'd be left with hardly anything in her bank account, and it would take quite a long time's wages to get that money back. However if she bought the Cleansweep, she'd have plenty of Galleons left over. But it wasn't the right broom for her.

Inside the Quidditch supplies shop, it was mostly empty. What seemed to be the only attendant was showing off Broomsticks to a strange looking old man at the counter. Steering clear of them, she walked over to the closest display case, peering in at the new Firebolt. She longed to hold it, but the 'price on request' sign was by far a huge deterrent. Instead she circled the shop, looking for the Cleansweep Eleven.

"Can I 'elp you, love?" A voice behind her made her jump. The strange old man had left the shop, leaving the attendant, a spotty teenager, probably fresh out of Hogwarts.

"Erm," Tonks cast another fleeting glance around the room, "do you have any Cleansweep Elevens? I can't see one."

The boy shook his head. "Sorry, love, we don't stock them anymore. Sold out couple o' months ago and never bought 'em back in. Took too long to sell 'em out, y'see. Can I 'elp you with anything else?"

Tonks shook her head, but as she turned to leave, the shining black handle caught her eye. "How much are your Nimbus 2001's?"

"We're expecting a new delivery of them tomorrow, love. All we got is the display one. O' course it's cheaper to get the display one, but there's no guarentee on it, so you can't bring it back, see."

"How much cheaper?" she asked, not averting her gaze from the sleek black frame.

The teen shot a look over his shoulder. "For you, love, a couple of 'undred less. Just don't tell me manager."

She looked back at him in surprise, and he winked at her. Trying not to retch, she smiled and nodded. "I'll take it."

The boy's eyes widened. He rushed forward, stumbling madly, and picked the Nimbus up off its stand.

"Right, I'll wrap it for you! Right away! Would you like a servicing kit? A Quidditch player's guide?"

Tonks grinned. "No thanks,"

"Alright, love. Just the Broom."

While he messily coated the Broom with brown paper, Tonks chatted to him, which seemed to make him a little nervous.

"So, did you play Quidditch in school?"

He nodded. "I was a chaser for Slytherin. Started in me sixth year, though."

"Ah. I was a beater for Hufflepuff, from third year to seventh. Never lost a match."

The boy snapped off a stray piece of string.

"So, are you single?"

"I might be," she answered simply.

Silence dropped onto the boy. He'd finished wrapping, and Tonks was pulling her money from her pockets.

"Soo... Would you like to go on a date with me?"

Tonks ignored the question, only smirked at him as she placed the correct number of Galleons on the desk.

"I said that I might be, not that I am," she said clearly, picking up her new broom and walking triumphantly from the shop.

The Magical Menagerie was just down the road, and was a little fuller than the Broomstick shop had been. A basket of kittens sat on top of the counter, which tempted Tonks more than she'd have liked to admit. _Maybe when the war's over, I'll get one,_ she mused.

There was a whole wall filled with owls. Most were caged, but a few of them perched on top of empty cages, their heads tucked under their wings. Tonks approached them wearily, checking ever few seconds that none of the owls on high perches were going to open fire on her. Looking at them, none of the owls particularly appealed to her. They all appeared to be the same to her. Why can't the owl choose the person, like wands? Of course this wasn't going to be her owl, but she was sure the owl wouldn't mind.

Beside her, a woman in her mid-forties seemed to be having the same problem. She too was staring at the owls, completely befuddled. By her feet, a small girl was poking a toad, giggling and squealing every time it moved.

"Mummy, I wants a froggy!"

"No, darling," the mother said monotonously, as if the words had passed her lips a thousand times before.

"But mummy, I want one! I neeeeeeeeeed one!"

"Not today, darling."

Tonks smiled down at the little girl, who grinned back toothily. "Pink hair!" she squealed, causing her mother to look down in confusion.

"Mummy, that lady has pink hair! Pretty hair! Pretty!"

The woman frowned apologetically at Tonks, but Tonks just grinned.

"She's so sweet," she told the mother, who laughed.

"Sweet, but a pain in the bum. She fed our old owl spellotape to see if he'd stick to the wall. It made him really quite ill. I'll never let her have a pet at this age, but of course we need a new owl now."

Tonks nodded. "It's my friend's birthday tomorrow, and he needs an owl. His old one was about 25 when he retired it, could barely fly in a straight line. How are you supposed to choose an owl, anyway?"

"Merlin knows," sighed the woman. "My husband told me to go for one that looks perky, but it's the middle of the day, most of them are asleep!"

After they both took another long gaze at every owl, the woman was closely inspecting a small and lively tawny owl, whereas Tonks was deeply considering getting him a trained rat instead. Maybe Remus would like a rat?

A loud rattling from one of the top cages made Tonks look up. An owl, a brown speckled small thing, was gnawing intensely on the latch of its cage. Every few seconds it turned its head, trying a different angle, until at last the latch moved, the steel wire door burst open, and out flew the bird. It hovered in the air for a second, before diving straight down. Tonks felt like jumping out of the way and its metre wide wing span nearly hit her, but it slowed to a stop, coming to rest on her shoulder.

On closer inspection, the bird was just about under a foot tall, and its beautiful brown and black markings distinguished it from most of the other birds. As she gently stroked its feathers, she noticed how its large Amber eyes were lined with black circles, almost making it look like it was wearing eye makeup.

"You're rather beautiful, aren't you?" she murmured. "Would you like to live with Remus? I'm sure he'll take care of you, and he'd be so proud to have you. I think most people would, to be honest. I'd keep you for myself if Remus didn't need you."

After another few minutes of stroking the magnificent bird, she moved over to the counter. The elderly witch at the desk looked up through her round spectacles, absentmindedly stroking the neck of a tiny black and white kitten.

"Yes dear?"

"How much for this owl? And a cage and things?"

"A male short-eared owl with the standard starter pack is 43 Galleons. That includes a comfortable sized silver cage, perch, owl food, and treats. The book 'How Smart is Your Owl' is an extra 5 Galleons."

Tonks glanced down into her pockets. This was going to be one expensive gift.

* * *

><p>Tonks awoke the next morning in her bedroom in Grimmauld Place to the sound of the new owl hooting loudly in his cage. She shushed it quickly, afraid that he might give the game away. Today was Remus' birthday, so she wouldn't have to hide him for much longer.<p>

She dressed quickly and headed downstairs, and was surprised to see Sirius stood on the kitchen table, a bundle of colourful streamers in his arms. His face went pale as Tonks walked in, but he was soon back to his normal grinning self, after she'd finished laughing at him.

"Morning, Tonks."

"Morning, Sirius. What are you up to?"

"I'm glad you asked, Tonksie. I'm trying to get these streamers to hang in mid-air and sing happy birthday, but, well Remus was always the best at charms. I don't suppose you could...?"

Tonks laughed, but took out her wand. "Throw them up into the air. Then duck."

Sirius did as he was told, throwing them on the count of three, and then he leapt from the table, shouting, "QUACK!"

Tonks laughed, but then the floorboards moved in the room above them: Remus' room.

"You idiot, he's awake now!" She hissed at him, irritated but still proud that the streamers were now flying around the room, twirling in beautiful patterns.

As foot-steps descended the stairs, Tonks was racking her brains for the charm to make things sing. It was only when the kitchen door started creaking open that she remembered it, and muttered it just as Remus walked in, still in his pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt. He stared at Sirius, who was still crouching on the floor in front of the table, and then at Tonks, who was silently willing the streamers to start singing.

"What's going-"

"Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you!"

"Shut up," Tonks pleaded to the streamers, waving her wand desperately. Eventually they did quiet down, but they still continiued to sing at a lower volume. "Happy birthday, Remus," she grinned, very close to bursting into laughter.

"Yeah, happy birthday, Moony!" Sirius stood up and pulled his friend in for a hug. Remus looked completely bemused. He was still very much occupied by the dancing streamers. "C'mon, Tonksie, group hug!" Sirius dragged her in, and she carefully placed one of her arms around Sirius, and the other around Remus.

_Merlin, he smells good in the __morning._

"Ah, thanks," Remus chuckled. "Anyone want a cup of tea?"

"No, no, no, Moony! We are doing everything for you today - you are not allowed to lift a finger."

"Sirius, I have guard duty tonight, and-"

"Nope. Arthur is taking it for you. He said that you took so most of his shifts while he was ill, so now he's returning the favour. Now sit down, and let Tonksie make us all some tea, and I'll go get your presents from me."

Before anyone could protest, he'd bounded out of the kitchen and up the stairs, leaving Remus and Tonks alone in the kitchen.

"He's a bit over excited, isn't he?" laughed Tonks as she retrieved three mugs from the top cupboard.

"This is nothing," he replied, sinking into a chair. "He was much worse in Hogwarts. It usually included two pranks, one on the birthday subject, and one larger one that the birthday subject could play on a teacher or someone. And of course this happened four times a year, five when Lily started going out with James. She was rather good at coming up with pranks, actually. But the presents were always something to be wary of. Sirius is notoriously known for his present buying skills."

"Oh, I know that much. I figured that when he made me go out and buy the things he picked out for you. Let me just say that it's a good thing that I can change my face, because I will not be going into those shops again."

Remus chuckled. "That's a little worrying," he mused.

Tonks placed three mugs of tea onto the table and sat down next to Remus just as Sirius skipped happily into the room, a pile of neatly wrapped presents stacked in his arms.

"Here you go, Moony!" he placed them all carefully in front of Remus.

"The top one is half from Tonks, she owes me a few Galleons now, but I don't think that'll matter considering the other thing she bought you..."

"Shut up, Sirius."

Cautiously, Moony picked up the top present. It was nearly two feet long, a foot wide, and an inch thick. He slowly peeled off the wrapping paper, revealing a huge bar of Honeyduke's finest chocolate.

His smile grew intensely, as he looked up to thank his two best friends.

The next present was a relatively small box, and Remus blushed when he saw what was underneath the wrapping paper.

"Really, Sirius? Edible underwear?"

"I'll be offended if you don't use it soon, Moony."

Next came three more giant bars of Honeyduke's chocolate, all in different flavours, a jumbo box of Every Flavour Beans, a writing set, a Muggle book on the mythology of Werewolves, and _The Complete Works of Charles Dickens_.

"Wow, Sirius. This has to be the best load of presents in years. Thanks." He stood up, and did that shake-hands-then-hug thing that only men can do. "And thank you, Tonks," he smiled, leaning across to kiss her on the cheek and hug her, too.

"You've not had the real present from me yet, Remus. It's upstairs."

Sirius wolf-whistled.

"Shut up, Sirius, you know what it is anyway. Now, come on."

She stood up, slightly nervous, and led them all out of the kitchen.

_What if he didn't like it? What if he'd already bought one for himself? _The questions never stopped in her mind, they only swirled faster and faster.

Remus was confused. What could she have bought him that they couldn't bring downstairs? She was leading him down the hallway, up the stairs, past his room... The only other rooms on this floor were the library and Tonks' room. They passed the library, and came to a stop outside the room that he knew to belong to Tonks whenever she stayed here. The door to her room was closed, and Remus wondered what could be on the other side.

"Now, your present is in the middle of the room. You can't miss it. There's a few extras around it, but none of it is wrapped. I didn't know what to get you, and then I thought- well, you'll see. You first."

The words tumbled from her mouth, and soon she was gesturing for him to open the door. He did so, pushing it slowly and stepping inside. Tonks came to his right side, and Sirius to his left, but

Remus was staring at the cage in the middle of the room. He barely even noticed when Tonks started mumbling to him, something about her knowing that he needed an owl and hoping that he was to his taste.

The owl was amazing. It was awake, and gazing up at Remus with its intelligent amber eyes.

"Remus?" He turned to look at a very nervous Tonks. "Is it... Do you like it?"

He smiled at her. He didn't think he'd ever seen her so nervous before.

"I love it," he said honestly. "Thank you, so much." He pulled her in for a hug, squeezing her tightly. "You shouldn't have..." he breathed, releasing her so he could stare at the owl again. "How much did you pay for all of this? It can't have been cheap. You know I can't pay you back..."

"I don't expect you to pay me back, Remus - it's your birthday present. And the cost is irrelevant, it was worth it. Anyway, he needs a name." She smiled up at him, her cheeks flushed red and her hair the brightest pink he'd ever seen it. He hugged her again, this time placing a kiss onto her cheek, which she returned. Her lips were so soft on his cheek, he longed to allow them to meet with his skin again, but he resisted the temptation.

"Thank you," he murmured again against the soft skin of her temple.

"You're welcome," she whispered.

"Oh my god, get a room," Sirius interrupted loudly, causing Remus to pull away reluctantly. He smiled lightly at Tonks, and then crouched down next to the cage to free the owl. It stepped onto his hand confidently, and Remus stood up with it, stroking it with his spare hand.

"Aww, Moony, I think he likes you."

Remus smiled. "I've got a new best friend," he said childishly. "So bye-bye, Sirius." He walked calmly from the room, stuck his tongue out at Sirius and grinned at a giggling Tonks.

Sirius gave Tonks the dead eye. "I'm going to kill that bird."

Tonks ran out of the room just before Sirius did, shouting for Remus to run, even though he was already on the ground floor. He'd placed his owl on the banister, told him to stay there, and then positioned himself on the bottom step, ready and waiting for the inevitable.

Tonks came thundering down that stairs, and as predicted, she tripped on the fourth to last step, and fell directly into the strong, bare arms of Remus. Unfortunately, Remus slipped backwards off the step, and fell to the floor with Tonks still in his arms. They landed with a thump on the floorboards. Tonks was laid on top of Remus, her legs on either side of his waist and her head resting on his shoulder.

"Hello, Remus," said Tonks awkwardly. "Fancy seeing you here."

"We do tend to meet in strange places, don't we?" He cracked a grin, and soon both of them were in fits of laughter.

Sirius watched on, smiling to himself. They were in love, they just didn't know it. Or maybe they did know it; they just weren't ready to admit it. _Idiots._ He marched past them, offering his hand to the owl on the banister.

"C'mon, bird brain."

The laughter died down quickly after Sirius left, leaving them smiling at each other and connecting in places that were far from innocent, as Remus was quickly realising.

"Well, I guess we should move," he offered, propping himself up onto his elbows. Tonks slid off of him, and he stood up as quickly as he could. "So, any thoughts on names?"

"No idea," she shrugged, "he's your owl, not mine."

Remus smiled again. "I still can't believe you got me an owl. I can't thank you enough, Tonks, really."

"You don't have to thank me, Remus. You needed an owl so I bought you one. It's kind of the point of birthday presents. You buy the person something that they need but wouldn't normally buy for themselves, but you think that they might like. You needed an owl, you said it yourself, but they can be damned expensive, and I knew that it would be far more convenient for both of us, because one, now you don't have to pay out for one so I've saved you money, and two, it means that I didn't buy you a crappy present that you don't even like."

"I'm sure I'd love any gift from you, Tonks," he smiled cheekily.

"Aww, you're sweet."

"Plus, you can borrow him whenever you like, considering you bought him."

"Ah, yes, I was hoping you'd bring that up. It's another upside, but I didn't want to seem rude by bringing it up."

He laughed at her, and sat down at the kitchen table in their old spots. Sirius was sat opposite them, staring intently at the owl on the table.

"So," Sirius started. "What are you gonna call him? Please don't be something boring."

"Look, everyone say the first thing that comes into your head, and we'll see what comes out. Remus, Sirius, then me, then go round again. Ready?" Tonks looked to both men, who nodded. "Remus, go."

"Shakespeare."

"Chicken."

"Dickens."

"Archimedes."

"Fireball."

"Willie. Again."

"Merlin."

"Windmill."

"Turkey. Interesting."

Remus conjured a piece of parchment and a quill, and wrote down all of the suggestions.

"Where did Chicken, Fireball, Windmill and Turkey come from?"

"I quite like Chicken," Sirius pointed out. "Fireball Chicken Dickens sounds really awesome."

Remus glanced to Tonks for a sane vote, but she was smiling. "It does have a nice ring to it. How about Archimedes Fireball Chicken Dickens? It's two historic names and two awesome names."

"And what will it end up being shortened to?"

"Whatever it comes to when you call it. Give some of them a try."

Remus straightened in his seat. "Fine. Archimedes," he called. "Archimedes Fireball Chicken Dickens?"

The bird's head span around to look at Remus. Remus groaned.

"Fireball?" No reaction. "Chicken? Chicken Dickens." The bird's head turned again, and this time he walked calmly over to Remus and gently nipped his hand. Remus groaned again, but Sirius and Tonks laughed. Sirius reached across to pick up the bird.

"And now," he announced loudly, holding the hand up high that it was sat on, "I christen thee, Chicken Dickens Lupin Tonks Black."

"I'll drink to that," laughed Tonks, raising her nearly empty mug of tea. Remus did the same, grinning from ear to ear. This was the best birthday ever.

* * *

><p>Sat in his room that night, Remus pulled out a piece of paper from the new set from Sirius, and set about writing a letter to his mum.<p>

_Dear Mum,_

_I just wanted to show you my new owl, he was a gift from Nymphadora, and he's really very sweet. We had a big debate about what his name should be, and it turns out he comes to you when you call him Chicken. We're not quite sure why. I've enclosed a few treats for you to give to him, just in case you want to keep him for a while. Nymphadora paid quite a lot for him and his cage and his first bag of food, so I've suggested a time-share between the three of us whenever someone needs him._

_I also received several large bars of Honeyduke's chocolate, some writing equipment and an interesting book. The best thing is that I feel like I'm getting somewhere with Nymphadora. I know that I shouldn't, but I've told you how I feel about her. Yes, I live in fear of hurting her, but I couldn't live with myself if I gave up the opportunity if it ever presented itself._

_I'll be coming for dinner as usual on Sunday, I'll tell you more then._

_Lots of love, Remus. Xxx_

He folded the paper and slipped it into an envelope, sealed it, and called Chicken over onto his desk. As he tied the letter to his leg, Remus spoke to him.

"So you're taking this to my mother. Please be nice to her, don't bite her. You do as she tells you, okay? Go."

He stroked his feathers for a few seconds longer, then opened the window and sent Chicken flying.

He left the window open for a while. The breeze was pleasantly cool. He'd had a good day; after breakfast, they'd gone up to the Library and played a chess tournament, he'd won half of his games, but Tonks had won overall. Then Molly and Arthur came over with dinner, and they'd talked for a few hours before they left. Sirius had gone to bed early, leaving Tonks and Remus talking and laughing by the fire for hours after that. It was only when they were both yawning that they unanimously decided to go to bed.

Remus was stretched out on his bed. The window was still open, waiting for Chicken to return, and the house was almost silent. He could hear the sound of the trees outside in the wind, a door clicking open somewhere, the creaking of the ancient floorboards, and then three short knocks on his door.

He stood quickly, tying the drawstring on his pyjama bottoms a little tighter. When he saw Tonks stood in his doorway, he smiled. She reached up to place her hands at the back of his head, and slowly pulled his head down to touch her lips to his. At first he didn't know how to react; he hadn't anticipated this happening at all, but it wasn't unpleasant. It felt right, and he most definitely wasn't going to argue. Instead he placed his hands on her waist and deepened the kiss.

As their lips parted, she whispered, "Happy birthday, Remus."

* * *

><p><strong>And I can confirm, there is more to come. Again, a very happy birthday to the best DADA teacher Hogwarts has ever seen. Please review, it makes me happy. I'll try my very best to reply to them all. I think I'm going to continue this further, but until then… Au revoir. x<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you for waiting patiently for this chapter. I had quite a lot of trouble getting the characters right, and feel free to tell me if you think I got anything wrong. This leads on directly from the last chapter, so if you can't remember the ending I suggest you go back and check that last section out. **

**EDIT: I had to repost this because apparently it didn't reach many alert inboxes. Sorry for any inconvenience. **

**Word count: 4,200+**

* * *

><p>"Mmhmm…" he mumbled, his smiling lips against hers, but then Remus took a step backwards, leaving Tonks in the doorframe. "What… Dora, I – I can't do this." He avoided her eyes directly, but he couldn't help himself looking up to see her reaction.<p>

Hurt flashed across her face as she tried to quickly cover it up with seriousness, but it was to no avail. In four words he'd hurt her more than anyone had in a long time. She didn't even protest. She could feel tears pricking at her eyes, and so she turned on her heel and ran back to her room, slamming the door behind her. For a moment Remus just stood there, staring at the space where she'd been, but from within her room down the silent hallway, he could hear her quiet sobs.

He swallowed and took a soft step onto the floorboards of the hallway, so as not to make the floorboards creak. As he grew closer to Tonks' door, her crying seemed to grow louder, but they still were no louder than a cough. When he was close enough to do so, he rested his head against her door, and waited. He didn't know what he was waiting for.

He waited for a minute. Two. Two and a half. Round about the third minute, Tonks' room fell silent. He took this as the sign of what he was waiting for.

"Dora," he called quietly. "Dora, I'm sorry. I didn't mean…"

"Go away, Remus," came her shaky reply.

"Dora…"

"Go!" She was pleading with him, close to tears again, and sure enough, just a few seconds later she began to cry again. He didn't move. "Please, Remus, we'll talk in the morning."

With a brick pulling down on his heart, he stepped away from the door. He didn't say anything. He couldn't. He retreated back to his bedroom, closed the door behind him and collapsed heavily onto his bed. What had just happened? Tonks had kissed him. He'd been longing for that to happen for so long, and then it'd finally happened, and he'd told her that he couldn't do it.

He was right to turn her down, wasn't he? The memory of the sound of Tonks' cries were enough to argue otherwise, but he'd cause her a lot more than one night of pain if he were to stay with her, he was sure of it. He couldn't provide for her, he was thirteen years older than her, and sooner or later he'd end up hurting her. Men with burdens shouldn't be with perfect women. He refused to end up like his father - old, bitter and abusive. He could never hurt Dora, not willingly, but he was sure that he would. They would both have to sit through this night of pain so that he couldn't cause her a lifetime of pain and exclusion.

Remus sat on the edge of his bed, shoulders slumped forward and his head in his hands. His arm ached from having Chicken perched on it for most of the afternoon, and his head was pounding, but he couldn't sleep. He stood up and paced the length of his bedroom for a while, but when the rhythmic beat of his feet on the wooden floorboards beneath him began to irritate him, he abandoned his room and descended the stairs, his destination the kitchen.

Owl treats and party streamers were still scattered about the table and the scarce remains of Molly's soup was still sitting in the sink, unwashed. With nothing else to do, he began to clean. He did so manually, with no magical assistance, for the activity itself was both time consuming and something that if he out his mind to it, could occupy most of his thoughts, allowing for few other infatuations to take over. Within half an hour, the kitchen was spotless. He moved on to the bottom floor living space, which wasn't really a space used for living in at all. Though it had been one of the first rooms they'd rid of all pests and dirt, it still held an alarming amount of gothic furniture which a lot of Order members found disturbing to be around for any extended period of time. He began to wander around aimlessly, until at last he gave up on procrastination and collapsed into a dusty old armchair.

He sighed deeply, running his hands over his scarred face. He'd been waiting so long to tell Tonks that he loved her. Everything about her, from her bright ever-changing hair to her clumsy feet, made him smile. He loved her, and there was no doubt at all in his mind. What there was, however, was guilt. He couldn't be with her. He was a danger to her. Even if he never laid a hand on her himself, others could. He was a social outcast. He regularly received abuse and rejection - if Nymphadora was to be with him, she would receive the same treatment, and he couldn't be responsible for that. Being seen in public with him could cause her to lose her job, and he couldn't allow that to happen.

He stood up suddenly, his mind made up. As he ascended the stairs and entered his room, he was pleased to see Chicken perched on his windowsill, a letter attached to his leg. Remus was quick to let him in, and the bird went straight to his cage after Remus had untied the parchment from his leg.

_Dear Remus,_

_I'm glad you had a lovely day, dear. He's a very beautiful owl, he reminds me very much of Mitch. Do keep me up to date with your situation with Nymphadora, I only want for you to be happy, and she does seem to make you happy._

_Love, Mum. Xxx_

He read the letter twice through decided to reply immediately. He reached his desk quickly, took out a sheet of parchment and a quill and scribbled a quick reply.

_Mum,_

_Tonks and I kissed. It was incredible, but I've decided not to burden her. Now she's crying and can't look at me. I don't blame her._

_Love Remus._

After scanning the room for his new owl, he found Chicken in his cage, his head under his wing. The letter would have to wait. He sat calmly on the edge of his bed, and then slowly laid back, his head resting on the soft white pillows. He barely even noticed himself slipping away into a peaceful state of sleep.

* * *

><p>The early morning sun shone brightly into Remus' bedroom, waking him gently from his deep sleep. His eyes slowly eased open, becoming reacquainted with the room and the world around him. His stomach rumbled loudly, projecting the sound of his hunger across the room, where Chicken glanced up at him. He smiled instinctively at the bird, only remembering that it was his a few second later. The bright pair of amber eyes was trained on him and his every move as he stood and began to get dressed. It was only when he came to put on his trousers that he covered the cage with the t-shirt he'd slept in, removing it from the cage when he prepared to go downstairs.<p>

He debated bringing Chicken down to breakfast, but decided against it at first. He didn't want a bird messing up the kitchen, but then things were sure to be tense with Tonks, and he'd do anything to reduce the tension. Besides, Chicken would surely make her smile. After opening the latch on the cage, he placed his hand through the small wire doorway, and smiled widely as Chicken obediently climbed onto his outstretched hand. He spent a minute marvelling at the owl – his soft feathers, yellow beak and large observant eyes which always seemed to be looking at something. He was so lucky to have such a beautiful owl in his possession, and he knew that he still owed Tonks for gifting him with this.

He made his way downstairs quietly, careful not to jolt Chicken with every downward step. The cold and silent interior of the Black family house was eerie at the best of times, but walking down the narrow corridor, walls lined with the heads of long-dead taxidermy house elves, with the notion that he was causing someone pain just by being, he started to feel as if he was no better than someone who had enslaved an elf for its life with no hope of freeing it. That's what he'd be doing if he committed himself to Nymphadora, and yet he was still hurting her by saying no.

The door to the kitchen swung open before Remus had reached it, as Sirius appeared in the doorway, rubbing the uneven stubble on his chin. He was clearly troubled, and looked at Remus with solemn, worried eyes.

"Morning Sirius," Remus greeted wearily. "You alright?"

He received no reply. Instead, Sirius turned shook his head and walked past him. With no hope of getting anything from him, Remus continued into the kitchen, where he found Tonks pushing a few pieces of cereal around in a sea of milk, her brown hair hanging over her face. He paused at the edge of the table, unsure how to proceed. Tonks still hadn't looked at him or even acknowledged that he'd entered the room.

"Good morning, Dora," he hedged softly, sinking himself into the seat opposite her. When he received no reply, he eased Chicken onto the table and pulled the discarded Daily Prophet closer to him. The silence dragged on for a while, as Remus skimmed the pages without taking anything in. Tonks continued to stare at her bowl, not once even lifting the spoon to her mouth, until very abruptly she scraped her chair back across the slate tiles with a horrible screech, and started to walk out.

"I'm really very sorry," Remus blurted out before she could leave. She paused in the doorway. "What I said last night, I didn't mean- well I did mean it, but I see how you might have misinterpreted, I mean-" he took a long sigh, silently praying for her to turn around and for everything to be okay again. "What happened last night was amazing, Dora, and you have no idea how much I wanted… but..."

"It's fine," she interrupted him, but still she remained facing the door. "I shouldn't have forced that on you. I'm sorry, Remus. I regret it. I'm just feeling a little awkward right now, but I'll see you later and we can forget last night ever happened."

Something about her voice wasn't right. She wasn't being sincere at all, and she was masking it horribly. He wanted to argue, tell her how much he wanted to be with her forever and that he never wanted to forget their kiss, but he knew that he was too dangerous. He knew that he couldn't be with her. And common sense ruled out. Tonks left the kitchen without a word, glancing back at him with blood-shot, tearful eyes, and Remus remained seated, all hopes of future happiness vanished.

* * *

><p>Sirius closed the library door behind him as he entered, and stood staring at the miserable ex-professor without a word. His face was stern as Remus looked up, but as their eyes met, Sirius' hardened further.<p>

"What do you want, Padfoot?"

"My best friend to stop breaking my cousin's heart."

Remus put his book on the table by his chair, his eyes narrowing. "What do you mean?"

"I mean you're an idiot. Tonks finally tells you how she feels and you turn her down? Are you completely insane?"

"No, I'm not," he replied sternly, "in fact I'm far from it. For one thing, she didn't tell me anything, she kissed me. And besides that, I had to turn her down."

Sirius clenched his fists. "What do you mean, you had to? Moony she loves you, she tried kissing you, and you didn't have to turn her down at all!"

"Yes I did, Padfoot! Can't you see, we can't be together and that's final!"

Sirius took a step back. In all the years he'd known Remus, they'd ranted at each other many a time, but it was very, very rare that Moony raised his voice, and when he did, it usually didn't end well. He loved his friend, he really did. Once, when he'd stayed with Remus and his parents, Remus and his dad had a huge argument, and Remus had stormed out of the house in a rage, wishing to never have been born. It took him nearly two hours to calm him down, but Sirius finally managed to convince him that he didn't mean what he'd said to his dad, and got them both to apologise successfully. Now with Remus on his feet, claiming that he was too dangerous for his own good, Sirius knew that this might take some work too.

"Remus, you love her," he said softly.

Something stirred inside of him. "No," he insisted. "No, I don't."

"You don't?"

"No, Sirius, I don't, now please drop this!"

He didn't pause to consider this at all. "So you don't love her, you don't even care about her at all?"

Remus hesitated, his voice lower when he spoke. "Well of course I care about her, I care for her a great deal, which is exactly why I cannot love her."

"Can't or won't?" Sirius' tone was harsh. He knew that he was in danger of causing his best friend to flip out into a rage, but he couldn't resist this. As much as he knew this was the wrong path to go down, Remus had been irritating him for far too long because of this. He'd been able to restrain himself before, when the topic was just mentioned in passing, but this opportunity was perfect to prove Moony wrong, and he fully intended to seize it, and if that meant making his opponent feel like the scum of the earth, then he'd do it.

As predicted, Remus grew angry, struggling to find something to say that wouldn't put him as the lesser man.

"Both," he finally forced out. "I can't love her. It's far too dangerous, so I won't put her through that!"

"You never had that issue with me," Sirius said quietly. He regretted as soon as he'd said it, ever more so when the flash of pain cut through Remus' face. It was a low blow and they both knew it.

"That was different," Remus whispered in response, all anger lost from his voice. "We were teenagers. I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't fully realise the responsibility my illness would cause any potential partners."

"But you said that you loved me." Sirius spoke slowly. This bothered him clearly, but it wasn't difficult to tell that this was something he'd long-since thought over and accepted.

"So did you," came the simple reply.

"But did you?"

No reply was given.

"Did you?" he insisted, louder.

"Did you?" Remus shot back.

Sirius straightened himself as he looked Remus directly in the eye.

"I thought I did. I wasn't sure at first. I felt for you what I'd never felt for any girl, what else was I supposed to call it? I didn't even know what was going on in my head until... that night. When you told me."

"Well I did, Sirius. I knew exactly what was going on, and you know what? I told you. I gave us my best shot. And where did we end up? Nowhere. I don't want Tonks and I to become just nothing, going nowhere."

"We were kids!" Sirius roared in Remus' general direction, his head facing the heavens. "We were immature, sexually confused, horny teenagers. You have the potential for a real, happy relationship with Tonks, and you're throwing it all away on the grounds that there's a slight possibility it might not work out? You know Moony, you're one of the smartest guys I know, but sometimes you can be a real ignorant bastard."

This was the final straw for Remus. With a final glare at Sirius, he brushed past him, fists tightly clenched, and walked in as much of a calm manner as possible out if the room. Sirius allowed him to do this, and as soon as he'd left the room he ran to the doorway, and just caught the sight of Remus disappearing into his bedroom.

"This isn't over," he yelled down the hallway, but Remus just slammed his door.

It was the most he was going to get out of him for a while and he knew it. He wandered over to where Remus had been sat and sat down. A mug of tea sat on the side table, still steaming. He should probably take it to him, but if he knocked, would he even respond? Probably not.

He'd meant every word of what he'd said to Moony, but he still regretted saying them. He remembered what it was like to be a fool in love, even if it was a very long time ago. In fact, he really couldn't blame his friend at all for not wanting to burden her. The only problem was that he wouldn't be burdening Tonks at all. She was ready and willing to give herself to him, no matter what the dangers or consequences were.

The thought of Tonks panged inside of him, and he wondered how she was holding up. She'd left for work that morning in a falsely content manner, and people were bound to ask. Maybe she'd need some extra support.

He almost ran to the kitchen, filled with concern for his littlest cousin. When he entered, he was relieved to see Chicken resting on the windowsill, either about to take off or having just returned.

"Hey Chicken, c'mere," he called, holding out his hand which the bird obediently flew onto. He placed him on the table and told him to stay while he retrieved a small square of parchment, some ink and a quill. He quickly scribbled down a discreet message to Tonks.

_Tonks,_

_Hope you're doing okay. We need to talk when you get home. I'm here for you._

_Snuffles. _

Smirking at the terrible nickname, he folded the parchment in his own preferred manner and addressed it to Auror Tonks, since the letter would go to a special department who would transfer the message onto their own enchanted messenger parchment.

"There's no reason to wait for a reply," he told the owl as he tied it to its leg. "You just have to cheer Tonksie up."

As he watched Chicken disappear through the kitchen window, he couldn't help but wish that he didn't have to be so discreet when he spoke to his friends. He wished he could floo into the Ministry and not have to worry about getting arrested. Still, he was as free as he had ever hoped to be, and this was enough to help his friends.

* * *

><p>Tonks shivered as she forced the door closed behind her, blocking out the raging March weather. Her hair stuck up in every direction from the powerful wind, and her cloak had provided no protection against the rain, which had soaked her through to the bone.<p>

She tiptoed silently through to the kitchen, pleased to see only Sirius sat at the table, a mug of warm tea between his hands.

"Hey Tonksie," he greeted her, his tone a little more sympathetic than she would have liked to hear. But still, that morning he'd been very helpful. When all she'd wanted was a comforting shoulder to cry on, he'd sat with her and just hugged her. He'd only asked for the basic cause of the problem, and that had been it. Then he'd left her alone for her to compose herself, and left completely at the sound of Remus approaching. Really, she had to be grateful.

"Wotcher, Sirius. What are you doing up?"

"Just wondering if you want to talk," he offered as nonchalantly as he could.

She shook her head. "I'm fine thanks Padfoot." She turned to leave, but she'd been called back before she could turn away.

"Tonksie, sit down."

"Damn," she muttered, but submitted herself to a seat opposite him. She sat in silence while Sirius made her a tea, but as he slid it across the table to her, she could almost feel the interrogation.

"So," he hummed, "how are you doing?"

She thought it better to be honest. "I've been better."

Sirius frowned. "Can you tell me what exactly happened? I spoke to Moony, he didn't really give much away."

"It wasn't very exciting, Sirius. I'd had a sudden burst of confidence and a little too much firewhisky, and thought that it would be a good idea to kiss Remus. I was wrong. No big thing."

"No big thing?" he exclaimed. "Have you not seen Moony's-"

"No, Sirius!"

He grinned mischievously, but Tonks' expression reduced him to a sympathetic frown.

"You're really messed up about this, aren't you?"

She nodded. "It's just like... He's my friend, Sirius! He's a really good friend, but there's a part of me that wants to be... I don't know, more than friends. He makes me happy, but in a different way to how everyone else does. When he smiles at me I get this funny feeling in my chest that makes me want to kiss him. And then, I just found myself outside his door, and he opened it and we were just stood there, and then I just went for it. I didn't even know what I was going to do until I'd already done it." She put her head down on the edge of the table. Sirius reached out to stroke her hair, and she held his hand there, squeezing it lightly.

"It felt good, Sirius," she sighed. "I felt so right, you know? Like it was supposed to happen." She smiled to the floor, glad that the table would stop any tears from dripping onto her feet. She sniffed and carried on. "But then he pushed me away, told me that he couldn't do this, and it just felt like my whole chest had... Broken. It still does."

"You love him," he concluded solemnly.

She shook her head weakly. "No, Sirius, I can't. I can't say that. If I admit it then it'll be true, and I can't..." Tears began to form in her eyes, trickling down the side of her nose and onto the table. She sniffled for a while, fighting the onslaught of emotion, until at last she gave up. She lifted her head and looked Sirius dead in the eyes, his bright blue ones to her red and teary ones. "I'm being stupid," she insisted through her thick, painfully sharp throat. "There's no use in crying over this. Me and him, it's never going to happen. I know I should just let it go but I- I can't. I do still care for him, and as much as I'd like to, it's not the sort of thing I can just drop."

Sirius stood and made his way round to the other side of the table, where he crouched on the ground and pulled Tonks into his arms.

"Nymphie... You don't have to drop it." Too late to stop now, he continued against his better judgement. "He does, he wants to be with you, I know he does," he soothed her, rubbing her back encouragingly.

He'd known her since she was born, but oh so rarely had he seen her cry.

"He's stubborn, Tonks. He won't give in to his feelings without a fight, but you're stubborn too. You can get him. You've just got to show him how amazing you are."

"But I'm not amazing," she sniffed. "I'm clumsy, I'm stupid, I do stupid things, I-"

"Hey now!" Sirius cut her off. "Do not say that."

"But I am."

"No. Well, yes, you're clumsy, Nymphie, you always have been. But he doesn't see that. What he sees, what every man with a brain must see, is a beautiful woman, with the most amazing personality a girl could ever have. He'd be lucky to have you, and he knows it."

She sniffed deeply, staring into the eyes of her cousin, desperately trying to determine the level of truth in his words. In the silence, she struggled with her emotions. She didn't want to believe a word of what she'd just been told, but the hope he'd installed was too much to give up on.

"I need some time alone," she sighed, rising to her feet. "See you later, Sirius."

He watched her disappear down the hallway, waited for her footsteps to reach the top of the stairs before he stood, and sunk into the chair Tonks had just left vacant. The love affair, or lack thereof, between his best friend and his little cousin was not something he had ever thought to imagine. Remus had never been one to be romantically involved with anyone, but he'd really fallen for Tonks, and it was clear she'd really fallen for him too. They both deserved each other. They deserved the love that he could never have.

A bottle of firewhiskey sat conveniently at the end of the table. Abandoning his cold tea, he picked up the bottle, and evading the use of a glass, took a long drink. A burning warmth spread from the tip of his tongue to the depths of his chest, pulling him under into a realm of indifference. Their love lives would have to sort themselves out. He was destined to be alone forever. The drink would have to suffice.

* * *

><p><strong>Thanks for reading. Please review, whatever your opinion. It makes me happy to even hear constructive criticism. :)<strong>


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